Issue #35 - This Is the Last Thing I Thought I'd Be Sharing Publicly

Welcome to the latest issue of The Qi of Self-Sovereignty. The newsletter exploring what it means to be free in an increasingly not-so-free world.

Whether you're looking to locate your authentic self or investigate sovereignty, you're in the right place! In each punchy issue, I share a powerful quote alongside thought-provoking content that makes you go hmm...

Sounds intriguing? Start learning with issues sent directly to your inbox:

Thought-Provoking Quote:

"People are quick to judge, but they’re slow to understand. They see one moment of your life and think they know the whole story." – Anonymous

Imagine, after a first date, respectfully and honestly telling someone you didn't feel a connection, but days later, you discover they've vented online, labelling you "toxic" in front of thousands.

Or suppose you match with someone, offer a genuine compliment, and later discover you’ve been publicly accused of love bombing. Suddenly, your personality is being dissected by strangers who’ve never met you, all based on one brief and highly subjective interaction. How do you think you'd feel?

This week made me realize how, in the world of social media, so few people are truly thinking for themselves, and how destructive a single comment or interaction, taken out of context, can be.

I don't usually share personal stories, but I found myself in a situation I never expected: being judged by people I've never met in a space I didn't know existed. It hurt, and I feel compelled to share.

I matched with someone on a dating app. After a few lighthearted exchanges, I received this message:

"I would hope you have a reason for women posting this about you?"

I was in shock. Turns out, somebody had shared my profile to a private Facebook group titled "Are we dating the same guy?" with the caption: "Any red flags or info I should know?"

...and this woman I'd matched with had stumbled upon this post.

I had no idea such groups existed— and they're anything but niche. This Vancouver group has 50,000 members and is just one of many, each with thousands of people. These groups claim to champion "women's empowerment," aiming to weed out "toxic, abusive, and cheating men," and I understand the original intent behind these efforts. However, from my own experience, they end up doing more harm than good as they sow the seeds of resentment and divide between males and females and defame well-intentioned individuals.

So, given that I've spent much of my life working to show up respectfully and authentically and that I didn’t seem to fit into any of the categories this group was created to address, I was confused. What was my dating profile doing on this page?

From the screenshots shared with me, I noticed a few things:

• This group's rules encouraged women to post anonymously, block anyone discussed, and never publicly mention the group—or you'll be banned.
• Strangers, people I had never met, were stoking the fire—seemingly looking for entertainment while judging me based on others' comments.
• Although the group claimed to target "liars, cheaters, and abusers," I was now in the crossfire and the subject of vague and subjective remarks.

Now, let me be clear: I fully support people expressing their anger and hurt. Everyone has the right to feel and process their emotions. But that's what friends, counsellors, and therapists are for. I do not agree with sharing private and deeply subjective experiences in spaces where the counterparty has no way to defend themselves, and that's where these groups fall short:

Unfair and one-sided judgment

Without any notification or opportunity to respond, people are publicly scrutinized without ever knowing they're on trial. And without pushback or the possibility for someone to defend themselves, there is no incentive for accountability or emotional control— we're breeding emotional incontinence. People are being rewarded in the form of attention for simply spraying their emotions, regardless of whether the emotions have a grounding in reality.

In human behavioural studies, there's a concept called the "stickiness of diagnostic labels," whereby once someone is labelled—fairly or unfairly—it becomes incredibly difficult to shed that label, regardless of its validity. These labels overshadow a person's character, reducing them to a single judgment that defines how others perceive and interact with them. I feel this stickiness is magnified in these groups as people collaboratively judge and label based on limited, one-sided narratives. The result? A dangerous environment where individuals are "guilty until proven innocent," with little chance to defend themselves or escape the stigma.

Misplaced blame clouds the truth

Projections of personal trauma, turmoil, or unresolved inner struggles are lumped together with genuine toxic and unhealthy behaviour— making it impossible to separate fact from fiction. How can we be sure that criticism isn't simply a personal narrative shaped more by the individual's internal struggles than by the actions of the man in question?

No room for growth or resolution

Secretive posts prevent constructive conversations, leaving no pathway for accountability, understanding, or meaningful change.

In George Orwell's book 1984, he coined the term "doublespeak", which refers to holding two contradictory beliefs simultaneously and accepting both as true. Labelling a gossip group as "empowering" is a prime example of this concept in action. Instead of thinking critically and making decisions for themselves, people are outsourcing their judgment to others. This isn't empowerment; it's subservience. They'd rather trust anonymous strangers than rely on their instincts, judgment, and personal experiences.

After this experience, it makes far more sense to me as to why we have a society where men are turning to OnlyFans and porn— it offers a way to engage without the fear of judgment, unfair repercussions or the emotional fallout that comes from putting ourselves out there in the world of dating. However, while these outlets might provide momentary gratification, they ultimately create a barrier to the kind of genuine intimacy that supports personal, relationship or community growth.

Before I wrap up, I want to emphasize two points: First, this situation isn't black and white. I am not saying there is zero value to such groups. If someone has experienced legitimate abusive behaviour and they have the opportunity to protect someone from potential harm, I am in full support. However, there is an important distinction between forewarning someone about illegal behaviour and engaging in anonymous gossip involving personal judgments, assumptions, or misunderstandings that may not be based on facts or the full context.

Second, and this should go without saying, but I fully support women uplifting and empowering one another. It’s incredible that we live in a time where women have access to tools and communities designed for support and solidarity. But it’s worth reflecting—if the goal of these groups is to prevent toxic behaviour, at what point do the conversations within the groups become the very thing they aim to stand against?

To conclude, we've all been on an odd date or faced challenging times within relationships. We've all been hurt, and we've all, at times, unintentionally hurt others. That's what relationships are—two individuals with different experiences coming together, trying to make it work. But the last thing we should be doing is publicly criticizing, judging, or gossiping. When others only hear one side of the story, it's easy to unfairly judge. Of course, there are times when I feel someone has wronged me, and vice versa, but do I want to shame these people publicly? Absolutely not. I respect them enough to keep our struggles private, where they belong.

So, before you give your energy to one of these groups, consider the impact: Is this about protecting others from real harm, or is it venting frustrations that might be better handled privately?

Thanks for taking the time to read this issue of The Qi of Self-Sovereignty. I hope you found it insightful.

I always welcome feedback and thoughts. So, do not hesitate to respond to the newsletter email, comment on the article or reach out via Twitter.

Seb